I once won a “who pays the bill” contest against a fresh-off-the-plane international student from Saudi Arabia. In reality, I lost. It was the last time we met.
Both my new acquaintance and I wanted to pay the tab for our donuts and coffee. I wanted to because we were in my country (state and town and favorite donut shop). Further, I thought doing so would reflect culturally appropriate hospitality, and over the years I’ve been fed amazingly by Muslims all over the planet.
My best guess regarding his motivation was he wanted to pay to show gratitude for me meeting with him and perhaps to demonstrate he was not a poor international student, but a member of a family of means.
I won because I went slightly around the counter to where the woman was processing the bill and gave her my card. He was disadvantaged by not knowing he could do that and possibly by rules regarding his proximity to women!
So I won, but also lost, inasmuch as I caused him sufficient shame that the relationship ended.
Having now mellowed with age, given a do-over I’d let him pay. My self esteem would take a hit and I’d still owe the full debt of gratitude to all the Muslims who’ve fed me, but I might preserve the relationship.
Understanding and considering the reality of shame and honor in our relationships with Muslims matters a great deal.
It’s possible understanding this on a macro level would give us insight into Muslim-connected terrorism. Not to excuse it, of course, but to see the background and maybe even dream of ways to interact with Muslims and Islamic governments that would lessen terrorism.
If you want to know more, ransack Jayson Georges’ website and buy his book, The 3D Gospel. If you’re serious, tackle this article by Roland Muller. Werner Mischke has produced helpful material. As has Brad Vaughn who formerly wrote as Jackson Wu, and don’t miss Audrey Frank. I encourage you to continue to dive into this fascinating variable in our connection with Muslims.